My friends who know me know I love to spend dat caj monet and do not skim when I go out to eat, drink, shop, or anything for a treat yo self day. But beneath the wannabe housewife glamour I project, lies a disgusting spending addiction. It’s easy for people to stop spending money on frivolous things especially if they know they can’t afford to be in these situations. But for me, it didn’t stop. Once I had access to a credit card, it was a shit show that sort of spiraled out of control. (luckily, I don’t have debt and have amazing parents who were able to pay for everything) It is important to note that I have the privilege of having great parents who could afford my addiction for the time that was happening.
Since I was young, I’ve always been materialistic. Buying shit has always been way to fill a void in my life. I moved around a lot as a kid and having working parents who were trying to build the American Dream for our family definitely contributed to a lot of problems for me growing up.
Nothing was enough – I always wanted more and more.
The summer of 2014, I went on a summer study abroad trip to Turkey and my family got me a credit with a really high spending limit and I went apeshit. I mean let me tell you I spent somewhere in the 4 digits within two months. It was out of control and I didn’t realize until after I got home.
Fall 2014 to Summer 2015, I was abroad in Europe and spent almost in the 5 digits. This was straining my mom emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. She lost a lot of trust in me within these periods and our relationship has been in the works since.
The worst part of this addiction was realizing only after I had spent the money how much it amounted to, yet it didn’t seem like anything was enough. No matter how many dresses I bought, no matter how many pairs of shoes I got, I always found a reason to buy more. I knew I had a problem and I admitted it but it was so hard to fix it. I still have bad spending habits. This summer I spent most of my paychecks on buying shit I didn’t need while I could have been saving a fuckton of moolah for my future.
Being in therapy for over three years and really trying hard to reflect on my mental, emotional, and physical state, I finally realized I was trying to fill the void of self hatred. I hated my body, I hated that I was quick tempered, I hated my relationship with my parents, I hated that I was never enough.
I am a very logical person and have a very difficult time with emotions so I tend to be hypersensitive for the petty shit life throws at you and super chill when the big shit blows up. Bottling up my feelings and the self loathing manifested in this spending habit. Even though I know all this, I still have a hard time with controlling my spending. It’s literally taking it day by day and saying no to impulsive purchases, avoiding shops and any other venues where I can spend money.
Now I’m at this point where I’ve just started to save for my expenses while I am in grad school in Germany and trying to figure out how to have self fulfillment without material goods and being excessive. Most importantly, figuring out how to love myself completely in all ways without depending on anything or anyone but myself.
“Me, myself, and I. That’s all I got in the end, that’s what I found out. And it ain’t no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I’m gonna be my own best friend.” – Queen Bey